Mixtape
(Written today for Joshua Barton’s Arts Vs. Entertainment, published for this weekend’s Portland Zine Symposium.)
Side A:
1. “Sexually-Active Teens,” a track made one Saturday afternoon on the iPad using the “Looptastic” application. Previously released on SoundCloud and posted on Facebook to critical acclaim (three “likes” and one comment: “sweet! you made this”).
2. “Boss DJ,” covered by several friends sitting around a fire on Lake Michigan, recorded one summer evening, several years ago. Two guys on guitar, three guys singing verses, everyone singing the chorus, especially the last one.
3. A few minutes of local drummer Gerald keeping the beat for tips outside of a bar downtown, accompanied by Kevin’s complaints about how “ghetto” said bar is, as evidenced by the abundance of neck tattoos seen inside.
4. Me freestyling over “Paul Revere,” lyrics keeping in-line with my often discussed but never worked on rap album about 90s situational comedy Boy Meets World. Sample lyrics: “Here’s a little story/ I got to tell/ About a boy named Cory/ You know so well/ It started way back in history/ TG-IF/ ABC/ 93!” Simultaneously, you can hear Jordan wondering aloud if any females he knows might still be awake and Jack insisting/complaining that the off-brand gas purchased at a station he had to stop at earlier in the day “in the BFE” had done something to his car. The sound of Brian ordering $25.68 worth of food from the drive-thru at Taco Bell heard at 3:47.
5. Cover of “Killing Me Softly with His Song,” as performed by the neighbor girl (vocals) and her boyfriend (guitar), recorded through the walls. Unheard: the (likely) hand gestures that accompanied the record-breaking number of vocal-stylings in between verses and chorus.
6. Poorly-played piano, hastily recorded last fall.
7. Several minutes of silence to the untrained ear, but actually a man in bed, listening to the sounds of his one-bedroom apartment, wondering “why?”
Side B:
1. A karaoke rendition of “That’s What I Like About You” performed by Doyle and myself at a local dive bar, met with applause both lively and genuine. Audio extracted from video recorded with my friend’s girlfriend’s HTC EVO.
2. A conversation held on my porch at approximately 5am that one friend insisted that we just “had to record,” consisting of several of us discussing what might be described as “NBC Thursday Night Crossover Slash-Fiction.” Includes Mark detailing a scene featuring himself, Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs “hot tubbin’ it,” with a “cameo from April from Parks and Recreation as ‘the topless waitress.’”
3. A sudden and brief burst/excerpt of “Tha Crossroads,” Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, the remaining vestige of what once populated this cassette.
4. Voicemail from Sarah, left at 2:49am on a Friday. Excerpt: “Call me back, asshole, I miss you.”
5. Saturday Looks Good to Me - “Since You Stole My Heart,” serving as a reminder of the evening Clare and I slow-danced to this song in her room as it emitted from my cellphone, being held in one hand, the other hand holding her and serving as an understudy for my heart.
6. Field recording: party last Christmas Eve at Sang’s. The sounds of booze-fueled creatures laughing and living like there was no tomorrow because while tomorrow was Christmas, the only thing any of the guests truly wanted— to live that way forever— Santa wasn’t bringin’.
The Acceptance Speech for Best Actor from a Talking Dog Created in a Government Laboratory for Undisclosed Reasons
By Luke Allen Hackney
Oh my God. Ruff! Oh my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Lassie, Old Yeller, Pete the Pup. It’s for the canines that stand beside me, Bingo and Beethoven. And it’s for every nameless, faceless pooch that now has a chance to do more than scoot his butt across the carpet because the doggie door has been installed. Thank you. I’m so honored. I’m so honored. Arf! Arf! I’m so excited. My tail is wagging out of control! And I thank the Academy for choosing me to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow. I know it’s unusual for a more-than-likely soulless creature created by the United States government for undetermined reasons to believe in God, but I really do, and I believe that all dogs go to Heaven. Thank you.
